"And, We created you in pairs." (QS An-Naba: 8)
Man and woman.
Day and night.
Black and white.
Right and left.
Joy and sadness.
Hardship and ease.
See? We often find that verse in our daily life to think that it's only related to our other half. We don't see that it actually can have a wide variety of references. At least for me. I think about it like this.. if there's a man, there will be a woman.
If there's joy, there will be sadness. If there's hardship, there will be ease.
It's no doubt, it's inevitable.
In 2017, the whole year of 2017, I was really in the lowest point of my life. I finally hit my own rock bottom. Everything has broken in pieces and I felt like I had nowhere to go, no one to trust and no future to look forward to. Wow, sounds too much, but it felt that way. Did I hit the point where I wanted to give up? No, Alhamdulillah, although I cried all days and nights and there were the points I screamed in my sleep, 'Why is this happening? To me? To my family? Why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this kind of hardship?' but thankfully, He is The Most Forgiving, He is The Most Merciful, He guided me.
What did I do so wrong to deserve this?
That was me being so very arrogant.
After endless nights of crying, until my eyes dried out.
Until my lips felt numb.
Until my heart couldn't feel anything.
It felt like I was just being cleaned. Being purified.
Just like one of Taylor Swift's line from Clean: "When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breath."
I felt like slowly but surely, after those months of crying and being so arrogant asking why things happened the way they happened that time, He answered those question one by one. In the most brutal and gentle way.
Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve all this kind of hardship?
Of course you deserve this.
Why? What did I do?
You forgot Him. You forgot who's The One giving you all of those blessings. You're being arrogant. You, you're the one who turned your back on Him. You think that easy life you've been enjoying was always be there for you until you forgot that you're nothing without Him.
That you own nothing without Him.
You took things for granted. You took everything so easily. Because you thought, 'Ah, Allah loves me, even when I'm living like this, I still have this easy life.'
Poor, arrogant girl. You didn't expect what would be coming, did you?
Of course I didn't! I was always a good girl! I didn't do this, I didn't do things which are against His words.
And to this point, I was still stubborn. I still didn't look close enough to see what might cause things to happen.
I think I could see it now...
What do you see now?
I still was not a good girl.
You're right. I took things for granted. I took everything so easily. I wasn't grateful for everything I already had. I've been warned.
I've warned you. The universe warned you. He warned you. You ignored it.
I did. I ignored it.
I was lulled by the things around me which were so easy to get, even when I wasn't praying for it. I thought, 'Okay, so I can get what I want without trying so hard' then slowly but surely, He became so far away.
He's always near. He's nearer than your jugular vein. You're the one who walked away.
Yes, indeed I was. I stopped making du'a once I finish my daily prayers. I stopped performing sunnah prayers.
I took things easily, like if my mother said, 'Don't eat that, we don't know wether it's halal or not' and I wouldn't listen to her and still eat those goodamn food. Or things like, dressing modestly. Even I'm wearing hijab, sometimes I still dress not accordingly. The trousers was tight. The sleeves were not fully covered my wrist.
And there were still many things that I thought, "Ah, maybe if I do this, it will be fine. It's just a small sin, He will excuse me this time because I was a good girl."
Haha you're funny.
Now I can see a bit clearly. I wasn't grateful. He has blessed me with so many things in my life, yet I was not grateful. I should have improved my deen. I should have not forgotten him. I should have not make the blessings He has given me became the exact reason I turned my back on him and forgotten him.
I'm warned. It's written there.
'But if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe."
Once again,
When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breath...
Every each of us has our own hitting the rock bottom story. This moment, for me, is the kind of moment when ourselves are awakened to see life in perspective. One could see their purpose of life clearly after their mother's passed away, or after they lost their job, or after they are scammed a hundred million poundsterling. I don't know yours, but this is my story.
My instagram feed may look perfect, that all I do is traveling.
But no, my life is far from perfect. I just choose not to show what's struggling me.
Right now I'm thankful. I'm beyond thankful to Him, for His guidance. Is it now over? No, it's still here, the battle is still here and I'm still fighting everyday.
But I am thankful. To Him.
If any of those didn't happen, perhaps I'm still that person right now.
I'm no near a perfect person, at least I'm trying everyday. I'm trying to serve Him everyday, I'm trying to please Him everyday. Because of what? Because He is The Master and we are just His slaves.
This is me being vulnerable.
I'm so used to act like everything is fine because I don't want to be all dramatic. I don't want people to think that I'm not mature that I rant about all my problem on social media. I'm not complaining here, but I want to dedicate this to you, to everyone who's struggling right now.
Turn back to Him.
Turn back to Him right now.
We don't know if whatever we're facing right now actually the way He reminded us to come back to Him. He loves us, He loves us beyond anything we could ever imagine.
So whatever you're facing right now, any kind of trouble you're dealing with right now; the key is just to turn back to Him. He's always there, you and I are the one who left. He's always there.
Turn back to Him, ask for forgiveness, ask from the deepest of your heart, and let Him guide you.
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