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Every Single Journey Looks Different, It's Not

"And, We created you in pairs." (QS An-Naba: 8)

Man and woman.

Day and night.

Black and white.

Right and left.

Joy and sadness.

Hardship and ease.

See? We often find that verse in our daily life to think that it's only related to our other half. We don't see that it actually can have a wide variety of references. At least for me. I think about it like this.. if there's a man, there will be a woman. 

If there's joy, there will be sadness. If there's hardship, there will be ease.

It's no doubt, it's inevitable.

In 2017, the whole year of 2017, I was really in the lowest point of my life. I finally hit my own rock bottom. Everything has broken in pieces and I felt like I had nowhere to go, no one to trust and no future to look forward to. Wow, sounds too much, but it felt that way. Did I hit the point where I wanted to give up? No, Alhamdulillah, although I cried all days and nights and there were the points I screamed in my sleep, 'Why is this happening? To me? To my family? Why me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this kind of hardship?' but thankfully, He is The Most Forgiving, He is The Most Merciful, He guided me. 

What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

That was me being so very arrogant. 

After endless nights of crying, until my eyes dried out.

Until my lips felt numb.

Until my heart couldn't feel anything.

It felt like I was just being cleaned. Being purified. 

Just like one of Taylor Swift's line from Clean: "When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breath."

I felt like slowly but surely, after those months of crying and being so arrogant asking why things happened the way they happened that time, He answered those question one by one. In the most brutal and gentle way. 

Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve all this kind of hardship?

Of course you deserve this. 

Why? What did I do?

You forgot Him. You forgot who's The One giving you all of those blessings. You're being arrogant. You, you're the one who turned your back on Him. You think that easy life you've been enjoying was always be there for you until you forgot that you're nothing without Him.

That you own nothing without Him.

You took things for granted. You took everything so easily. Because you thought, 'Ah, Allah loves me, even when I'm living like this, I still have this easy life.'

Poor, arrogant girl. You didn't expect what would be coming, did you?

Of course I didn't! I was always a good girl! I didn't do this, I didn't do things which are against His words.

And to this point, I was still stubborn. I still didn't look close enough to see what might cause things to happen.

I think I could see it now...

What do you see now?

I still was not a good girl. 

You're right. I took things for granted. I took everything so easily. I wasn't grateful for everything I already had. I've been warned.

I've warned you. The universe warned you. He warned you. You ignored it.

I did. I ignored it.

I was lulled by the things around me which were so easy to get, even when I wasn't praying for it. I thought, 'Okay, so I can get what I want without trying so hard' then slowly but surely, He became so far away.

He's always near. He's nearer than your jugular vein. You're the one who walked away.

Yes, indeed I was. I stopped making du'a once I finish my daily prayers. I stopped performing sunnah prayers. 

I took things easily, like if my mother said, 'Don't eat that, we don't know wether it's halal or not' and I wouldn't listen to her and still eat those goodamn food. Or things like, dressing modestly. Even I'm wearing hijab, sometimes I still dress not accordingly. The trousers was tight. The sleeves were not fully covered my wrist.

And there were still many things that I thought, "Ah, maybe if I do this, it will be fine. It's just a small sin, He will excuse me this time because I was a good girl."

Haha you're funny.

Now I can see a bit clearly. I wasn't grateful. He has blessed me with so many things in my life, yet I was not grateful. I should have improved my deen. I should have not forgotten him. I should have not make the blessings He has given me became the exact reason I turned my back on him and forgotten him.

I'm warned. It's written there.

'But if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe."

Once again,

When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breath...

Every each of us has our own hitting the rock bottom story. This moment, for me, is the kind of moment when ourselves are awakened to see life in perspective. One could see their purpose of life clearly after their mother's passed away, or after they lost their job, or after they are scammed a hundred million poundsterling. I don't know yours, but this is my story.

My instagram feed may look perfect, that all I do is traveling. 

But no, my life is far from perfect. I just choose not to show what's struggling me. 

Right now I'm thankful. I'm beyond thankful to Him, for His guidance. Is it now over? No, it's still here, the battle is still here and I'm still fighting everyday. 

But I am thankful. To Him.

If any of those didn't happen, perhaps I'm still that person right now.

I'm no near a perfect person, at least I'm trying everyday. I'm trying to serve Him everyday, I'm trying to please Him everyday. Because of what? Because He is The Master and we are just His slaves.

This is me being vulnerable.

I'm so used to act like everything is fine because I don't want to be all dramatic. I don't want people to think that I'm not mature that I rant about all my problem on social media. I'm not complaining here, but I want to dedicate this to you, to everyone who's struggling right now.

Turn back to Him.

Turn back to Him right now.

We don't know if whatever we're facing right now actually the way He reminded us to come back to Him. He loves us, He loves us beyond anything we could ever imagine. 

So whatever you're facing right now, any kind of trouble you're dealing with right now; the key is just to turn back to Him. He's always there, you and I are the one who left. He's always there.

Turn back to Him, ask for forgiveness, ask from the deepest of your heart, and let Him guide you.

How to Live a Kind Life

1. Don't say mean things about people, behind their backs or to their face. It's not cool to be inconsiderate of other's feelings. Ignore people who want you to participate in talking badly about others, even if you are not fond of that person.
2. Speak gently with a full heart.
3. Be perceptive of other's trauma, daily struggles, disabilities and insecurities.
4. Treat animals with tender respects.
5. Don't act out irrationally towards the people you love. Before you last out, think about the consequences towards their feelings that would follow.
6. Always remember that the positive energy you put out will come back to you.

Source: tumblr.

Let's Talk About Jealousy

"Aku juga selalu bilang kepada diri sendiri untuk berdamai karena kita diberi jasad dan ruh untuk berteman. Bukan untuk dimusuhi. Bahkan bukan untuk dibego-begoin ketika sedang terpuruk. Bukan untuk dijelek-jelekin ketika kita melihat ada orang yang jauh lebih cakep dari kita.

Diri kita ini ada untuk disayang, dirawat, dijaga, diberi ilmu dan ditinggikan derajatnya. Bukan untuk dipecut dan disiksa oleh diri kita sendiri." 

Rentang Kisah by Gitasav

Setelah baca ini perlahan aku jadi sadar, kalo aku ini masih banyaaak banget nggak bersyukurnya. Kadang, atau bahkan masih sering, aku masih suka diam-diam mengeluh kenapa aku nggak terlahir lebih cakep, lebih pintar, lebih kurus, lebih putih atau bahkan terlahir dikeluarga seperti keluarga si anu. Mungkin yang terakhir agak lebay ya, tapi untuk keluhan-keluhan yang pertama masih cukup sering terjadi sehari-hari. 

Apalagi dengan Instagram sebagai salah satu media sosial yang paling sering aku pelototin.

Aku tau, Instagram itu racun.

Instagram, and the other kind of social medias afterall, are the cruelest places.

Tanpa sadar kita jadi orang-orang yang nyinyir, orang-orang yang nggak bersyukur yang selalu ngerasa kenapa hidup si itu terlihat lebih bahagia dibanding hidup kita. Belum lagi kebiasaan orang-orang yang suka kepo dan nyinyur kehidupan orang di Instagram yang jelas-jelas nggak ada faedahnya, dan malahan menjadi sesuatu yang sudah wajar dengan munculnya akun-akun gosip yang katanya lebih terjamin akurasinya daripada acara-acara gosip di tv.

Instagram is a really scary place.

Berkali-kali aku berusaha untuk ngurangin atau bahkan sampai menghapus aplikasi Instagram karena merasa ketenangan hidup ini udah terkontaminasi dengan Instagram. Tapi tetep aja, Instagram-detox itu paling cuma bertahan maksimal dua minggu, setelah itu download lagi dan tau-tau dua jam habis cuma buat scrolling tanpa tujuan which is sangat nggak berfaedah.

Padahal, pada dasarnya kita semua tau kalo setiap manusia punya kurang dan lebihnya masing-masing. 

"Everyone has their own flaw and that what makes us human."

Tapi lagi-lagi aku, kita semua, larut dalam 'kenapa sih hidup dia enak banget, kenapa aku nggak kaya dia'. Dan hal ini kalo nggak cepat-cepat kita buang jauh dari diri kita, it will consume us. It really will consume us with no mercy. Jealousy is one of the worst heart disease human can ever have. And there's nobody to blame except our own selves. 

No, you cant blame people for being rich. Or being pretty. Or being skinny. Or being funny on Instagram. Or Youtube. Or Facebook. You cant blame them for showing it off to the world. It's their rights to do so. 

And you, your feeling is your responsibility.

Yang kemudian aku nyadar, "Right. I can't control the whole internet. The only thing I can control is myself." The solution is just stay away from it. Salah satu solusinya ya log-out Instagram, delete Instagram, dan hidup seperti di tahun 2000. 

But you cant, it's 2018 and you cant live like there's no internet.

Just don't let it consume you.

I always remind myself, "terserah mau main instagram, mau kepoin siapa, tapi yaudah lihat aja. scroll scroll scroll. oh gitu? yaudah. dia cantik? good for her. dia kaya? good for him. tapi yaudah. ada artis dibully di kolom komentar, nggak usah ikutan. ada selebgram viral dinyinyirin sama netizen, nggak usah ikutan."

Selesai.

The world revolves around the sun.

Gravity keeps you grounded.

You are enough.

10 weeks in Surgery

So, hello!

I don't know where to start but I know I've been missing this blog so much. I haven't been writing properly for almost a year - not because there weren't things going on but because there are so much things happened in such short period of time I don't know where to begin.

Maybe to start... let me just say that I just finished my surgery rotation last week.

It was a-10-week full of tiring night shifts, being shouted at by our attendings due to our 'horrible attitude',  our daily tachycardia routine just before calling our attendings, many homeworks and so many other things that just made this surgery rotation were all about tears and laughter. 

It was tiring, but it was fun. 

The group I was with made it so much less stressful and tiring, I love them so much.

I learned a lot in the OR, I learned a lot during the night shifts in the emergency unit, I learned a lot during the day-clinic. 

I'm thankful for the opportunity. 

Now I'm in Radiology rotation, it's funny that I have a lot more free time that I'm no longer staying in the hospital for night shift (for the next 10 weeks). 

I'm alive!

... and I miss traveling so, so, so badly.

PS: I'm currently in the middle of surgery rotation. It's already my 9th out of 10th week in surgery and I have such mixed feeling for it to be over. I love this rotation so much, but I'm terribly tired.

Tiga Hari di Salzburg!

Setelah lebih dari setengah tahun perjalanan ini dilakukan, akhirnya Nerissa sang pemalas ini berhasil juga ngumpulin sisa-sisa semangat juang yang ada untuk merampungkan tulisan tentang kunjungan singkat namun luar biasa itu ke Salzburg, a very very very cute and adorable small town, yang kebanyakan orang-orang kenal karena film zaman kita kecil dulu, Sound of Music.

21 Things from 2017

1. People can't solve your problems.
2. It's okay to stay away fro any form of toxic situation, even it means you have to lose something you thought was important.
3. Parents are also only ordinary humans. They make mistake too.
4.  Stay humble, really. Always stay humble and grounded. All the things that are given to you aren't actually yours anyway, what to brag?
5. This is freaking clichè, but do appreciate yourself. Self-love is very important. How people could love you if you don't even love yourself?
6. Save your money. What you save will save you in the future.
7. Everyone has their own story. Don't ever think you know someone so well.
8. Be private. Nobody needs to know what you did yesterday, or last saturday, or that night at the restaurant.
9. Fear makes people do bad and pathetic things.
10. Know your value, then you know which things are worthy to give a fuck about.
11. Pain makes you stronger. 
12. Never expect anything.
13. You know that a few things are not good for you, you know that they aren't nice things to do - but you still do it?
14. Always be kind and thoughtful of others, but don't expect anything in return.
15. Everyone nowadays can use social media, but not everyone is smart in using them. 
16. What you have right now is enough. But, it's kind of normal as a human being to always crave things. At least, always be grateful first for what you already have in hand.
17. I listen to Taylor Swift or BTS, then why? Why do people keep judging others music's preferences?
18. You will suffer. It's inevitable. There will be dark days, but it depends on how you react to those. You can only grow after defeating your own battles.
19. Allah is the only and truly The Only One you come back to and you are alive right now is to serve and please Him.
20. It's a scary and crazy world right now, remain in faith. 
21. This universe is big, but He is much much much much much more bigger. You are just a tiny speck of dust who knows a little more than nothing, don't be stupid to think that you know it all.

2018: being a junior doctor

The first two weeks of 2018 has been good so far I like it.

I turned 23 too this year, which is so weird because I don't feel like I'm an adult enough to be 23. But, here's one thing I realize that when you get older and older, birthday doesn't feel so special anymore.

It just feels like another ordinary day, except you exactly turn a year older.

Looking back to 2017, which was actually the most annoying year of my life when things seemed so in pieces, I'm so grateful that I'm here and doing what I'm doing right now. I'm grateful that I decided to continue my hospital rotation and here I am finally; waking up at 5 AM everyday, spending the whole day at the operation room wearing scrubs and having assisted around 25 surgeries everyday yet eventho I'm tired and my back aches every morning I wake up, I enjoy every bit of the whole process. 

I love the girls in my team. I love the hospital I work in. I love the people in the OR I get to spend time with everyday. I love the whole new experiences I get every single day. And I'm grateful. 

The whole process will take around 20 months until I finish every departments, which I'm sure won't be easy, and to finally be able working as a practicing doctor, I firstly must pass the national examination and take part in an internship program for a year. It's a long process, it's not going to be easy, but I think this is exactly what I want to do. And I'm, once again, grateful for this opportunity and of course, privilege. 

Insha Allah, I promise I'll do my very best and I'll never take things for granted.

On my 3rd night shift, we had an emergency surgery at 1 AM. There was a knock in our room, telling us to get ready and that time, it struck me that this is what it feels like to work in medical fields.

Your time is no longer yours only.

Lastly, this is a book I just ordered online. After finishing When Breath Becomes Air, I think I should read more books in medicine and finally, I decided to get this copy and I've enjoyed it so far.